Hey fellow "film-lovers"! It's time for a slightly jaundiced recap of the sundry, condescending studio crapola I've been avoiding since the calendar turned over to 2005. I recently realized that I haven't paid to see a new movie in the theater since "Million Dollar Baby." It's the truth. I've tried to justify it by telling myself, well, it's just the Spring dumping ground, anyway. But what's more sad to note, as I walk alone down the street, is that I seem to have chosen a profession at odds with my actual taste and experience. In other words, if I love movies so much how come I fucking hate movies so much? Ay, the rub of the cinephile.
So, in the spirit of a tremendously shitty year of nothing but abysmal studio dirty-whore-level crap, here's a list of some more garbage that I'll never ever see. Keep in mind, I even paid to see CAT IN THE HAT. These don't even attain that level of fascinating mind-raping carnage:
KINGDOM OF HEAVEN -- Yes, we have a great insightful review of it coming up in the next issue of RS; does that mean I'll ever put down ten dollars and fifty cents (!) to see more Ridley "No I'm not racist, I swear" Scott shit sandwiches? No, I think I'm done. HANNIBAL was the end.
THE HITCHHIKER'S GUIDE TO THE GALAXY -- Wouldn't it be a little disingenuous of me to avoid the stupid books with their stupid covers all my childhood and then go and see Sam Rockwell and Mos Def try to act it out? Yes. It would.
A LOT LIKE LOVE -- Two incredibly ugly people. fucking hell, they're ugly. fuck. jesus. I'm not being sarcastic, for all those out there that have been brainwashed by Us Weekly into thinking that unibrowed buck-toothed women and fey, prone-to-screaming "pretty" boys are even remotely attractive.
SAHARA -- Clive Cussler or Matthew McConaughey? Which one is less of a turn-on? Oh wait, Penelope Cruz is in it too...? Oh, by the way, she recently "uglied up" for the Italian melodrama scorcher "Don't Move." That must have been real tough. (holy crap, what fresh hell is this? Steve Zahn is in it too?)
MADAGASCAR -- OOh, this one sounds different...an ugly, boxy computer-animated crapscapade (they all look like Volvo commercials to me) that anthropomorphizes a bunch of obnoxious zoo animals with celebrity voices. I bet they're all "sassy" and all do things like real people would! It probably ends with a hoe-down and a Smashmouth song. Shrek is crap, and the rest of the non-Pixars (and even some of those) are downright unwatchable. Never subversive, just full of dull pop culture references. This one looks like the worst offender. I want to blow up every CGI animated film headquarters, and then look down from my bomber and say, "No, really, it's for ADULTS!"
THE INTREPETER -- Sydney Pollack should be acting only. Preferably shirtless in red suspenders, like in Eyes Wide Shut.
THE SISTERHOOD OF THE TRAVELING PANTS -- Is Evan Rachel Wood in it? Keri Russell? what about Lindsay Lohan, or that other stupid bitch with the hatchet face that is the sister of that shitty singer married to that flat-nosed worthless buff dude who sings like a more feminine version of Johnny Mathis?
THE DUKES OF HAZZARD -- I love nostalgia as much as the next all-American-patriotic meat-eating hetero male (wait, I'm none of those things, so I guess I won't see this piece of worthless crap, especially since I didn't even see the Starksy and Hutch thing with Stiller and that horrendous blonde hatchet-faced actor who's the brother of that moose-faced piece of limburger cheese from those Wes Anderson movies)
Now I'm getting sick just thinking of all these contemptible pointless ruinous anti-movies. I'm stopping here before a blow a gasket.